It’s not enough.  Every little taste I get is never enough to fill the void that is gnawing at me from the inside out.  The need to be loved and the need to love, romantically, protectively, unconditionally.  Once you experience love like that, when you go without it, there is something missing in life.  It’s more than “I gave my heart away,” which yes, is true.  But there is a certain yearning for love once you’ve tasted it.  For all my chocolate-lovers out there:  it’s like the first time you tasted the silky milk chocolate of a Lindt Lindor truffle, you can never just nibble on one silky ball before craving the entire tantalizing red bag full of delectable treats.  And I’m not even including the pleasure of the physical aspects of a relationship, just the actual actions and emotions involved in loving another human being with a longing soul just like yours.

I’ve tried listening to popular music to make me feel that strange empty feeling of being “wanted” or “good enough.”  But that’s exactly where it leaves me… empty and wondering “good enough” for what?  To be viewed as a piece of flesh instead of a living soul?  It’s not enough.  I’ve even talked to guy friends thinking their friendship will somehow fill the void that love once filled.  But yet again, empty, because friends are just friends; they aren’t meant to fulfill the need to be loved.  Even being around family cannot 100% fill up that void meant for a different form of love.  No chocolate substitute can perfectly satisfy the craving for the silky goodness I once knew.

Then, God does something strange, which I have learned is very typical of Him.  He uses my best friend as a vessel to ask me, “Do you want ‘Chocolate’ or, do you want ‘Sex’?”  I kinda chuckled and raised my eye brows in suspicion when she asked me that, especially since I’ve never experienced the latter!  I replied that obviously I would want sex over chocolate.  Even though I have never experienced sex, I know the pleasure associated with it is so much greater than the pleasure from chocolate, and marital sex comes with an everlasting intertwining of souls that chocolate simply doesn’t offer.

Then she posed an even stranger question.  “What if God has ‘Sex’ prepared for you?”  Now before you twist this illustration, I am not saying that God wants me to have sex anytime soon or that God wants to somehow have sex with me.  No.  What I am laying out on the table is the idea that maybe there is a greater pleasure during this “time in-between” relationships that I can experience, and a certain intertwining of spirits with God that is supposed to occur before I can actually appreciate the beauty of what God has prepared for my marriage to come.  What if the young love that I am now devoid of was only the ‘Chocolate’, which as a spiritual child, seems to be the source of most pleasure and fulfillment on earth?  What if the time with God and with myself before I find my husband is a whole new level of pleasure and fulfillment I have never experienced?

But that’s a little risky because I have never experienced this time alone without my so-called ‘Chocolate’, that is, without a relationship.  I have never given so much of myself to God without knowing what the experience is going to be like.  To be completely honest, I am a little terrified of having sex for the first time, like that’s a lot of pressure to get it right and, I don’t know what to expect.  Rightly so.  But that nervousness doesn’t keep me from desiring it, or waiting for the context of marriage within which to be able to enjoy it.  Sure, sex is unknown, but other people who have experienced it have told me of its beauty and the spiritual connections it helps to form.  And I trust them when they tell me that.

Well, I think God is telling me to trust Him when He tells me it’s time to move on from the ‘Chocolate’ and transition into the ‘Sex.’  Yes, it is unknown to me what it feels like to entrust so much of myself to God, but He tells me and better yet, promises me, that it is good and will form spiritual connections that are even deeper than the ‘Chocolate’ I knew or the physical sex yet to come.

 

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